MARIETTA, GA – Multiple sources are confirming that local patient Harry Dander is growing increasingly concerned for his upcoming surgery after noticing that his surgeon’s shoelace had come untied. Dander was meeting with his surgeon in clinic when he noticed the offense.
“I was listening him talk about the indications, risks, and the like for surgery,” said Dander, who is scheduled to undergo an elective partial colectomy for recurrent diverticulitis. “Then I noticed his left shoe had come untied. I didn’t think anything of this at first, but then he started to describe the procedure in more detail…”
“When I reconnect your bowel, I don’t use that unnecessary LigaSure device. No, I hand tie everything myself. Real old school,” an emphatic Dr. Ian Cutter said proudly, shoelaces flopping around like wet noodles with each gesture of his body.
“And what if the knots ever happened to come untied?” Harry reportedly asked nervously.
“Well, then your stool would leak out and you’d likely become very ill, “Cutter replied. “But don’t worry, Harry, I’ve done this hundreds of times.”
However, Harry could not help but think of the literal thousands upon thousands of times Cutter has tied his shoes, yet clearly he had not mastered the process and still encountered poor outcomes.
Harry pressed onward, asking the surgeon what his recovery will be like.
“Oh, we’ll try and get you up and out of here as quickly as possible. Hopefully eating in around a day or so. Gotta get some food back into your bowels as quickly as we can,” Cutter explained confidently. This did little to calm Harry, who quickly imagined food slipping out of his newly-sewn colon as easily as a foot slipping out of an untied shoe.
As of press time, Harry was relieved to notice that the surgery resident who joined them in the office had her hair neatly braided in a flower bun.
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