Fribliss

We, The Nigerians, Do Not Accept Rachel Dolezal’s New Name

This is the 4th time I am writing about Rachel Dolezal the Undercover Sista on this site. And each time, I want to track her down and slap her in the face with a stack of paper printed with my words in 50 point font.

Rachel Dolezal is the person who asks if she can be a part of your group project, and you tell her that the teacher already assigned the groups and she wasn’t assigned to yours. And then she shows up to your project meetings and you’re like “Rachel, you aren’t in this group.” And then the day of presentations, she stands up in front of the class with your group, acting like she did the work with you. Meanwhile, everyone, including the teacher, and members of her own group who haven’t seen her at all look at each other wordlessly saying “WTF?” with their eyes.

This woman (who also leads Spokane’s NAACP chapter) claims to be Black WHEN BOTH HER PARENTS ARE WHITE AF. Ma and Pa Dolezal are all “But Rachel. We are white. You are too. We were there when you were born” and Rachel’s all “nah. I’m Black. You see my cornrows and my big hair?” I really appreciate her parents for believing in the “Yes Snitching” movement. Too bad their daughter’s a nutbucket.

Rachel the Appropriation Aristocrat then had a son and named him Langston Attickus, which has to go down as one of the Blackest names in history. That name is so Black that it comes with a Jazz band. As in, the boy probably sang the Blues before he could walk. Now, because she excels at doing the absolute most with the utter least, she has renamed herself. Rachel “I Wanna Be Down Like Brandy” Dolezal got her name legally changed to Nkechi Amare Diallo.

NKECHI. AMARE. DIALLO. Bhet why. A name that is so properly West African that I’m hoping jollof rice appears in front of me at the mention of it. Well, “Amare” might be Latin, but she knows she picked it because it sounds positively onyx. She didn’t want to just be Black: she wanted to be African. Before we know it, she’s gonna want to be Eve herself.

This woman is so thirsty to be a part of the diaspora that not only did she change her white ass name, but she gave herself names from at least 2 different countries on the continent. “Nkechi” is from the Igbo tribe in Nigeria and it means “gift of God”, and Diallo is Fulani and can be traced to both Guinea and Senegal. It means “bold.” This is certainly a bold move, if bold is synonymous with desperate. Bold must mean delusional. This is not what IGBO KWENU is made of.

I would like to take this time to speak on behalf of Nigerians everywhere to say we do not claim, nor one-third claim Rachel Dolezal and her new name. We reject her attempt to attach herself to our glory, through that first name. And we bind it by holy ghost fire that this classless wonder of a being will not prosper at sullying our country name. It is not my portion to know this woman as my country kin, as she is an enemy of progress. WE DO NOT CLAIM HER, O.

As if we don’t have enough to worry about, with our deflating currency and our petrol issues. Plus our president who seems to have taken residency in England. Now you want us to add this bombastic ijot to our pile. *mtchew*

This Rachel girl, sha. And let me catch someone actually calling this nonentity Nkechi. LEMME CATCH YOU calling this woman anything but the Darth Becky that she is. “Her mama named her Rachel. I’ma call her Rachel.” Which kin’ Nkechi? TMZ is now referring to her as Nkechi and I wanna show up to their offices and unplug all their desktops AND their wifi routers. This woman is a troll of the highest form. Olodo rada rada. Oponu.

The Council of Onyx People Everywhere (COPE) gotta hire more security guards and tighten our measures for BLAXIT. Something tells me this child is gon try to sneak unto the island. We’ve rejected her visa at least 5 times but she keeps trying. We’re expecting a new application from an Nkechi, and we’ve sent out an emergency memo for our BLAXIT embassy staff to stay vigilant.

Wonders shall never cease. This woman could just be a really cool white ally dedicated to amplifying her appreciation of Black culture. And fighting for racial equality. Instead, she’s single white femaled us as a single white woman who wants to be a Black woman so bad. She’s such a bird, with her culture vulture ass.

NO KANK YOU.

Rachel has a book coming out later this month. I’d rather read the dead sea scrolls.

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