HOUSTON, TX – In breaking news, GomerBlog has learned 28-year-old James Winthrop will be admitted to psychiatry for March Madness. He presented to the ER at NRG Medical Center last night with altered mental status.
“He was doing fine but when he turned on the game, he wasn’t himself,” said Winthrop’s mother Amy, who is rooting for Duke. “He was cursing anytime his team was losing or missing shots. He was muttering about brackets, brackets, brackets.” She is visibly shaken. “He started losing track of time and was subsisting only on Cheetos and cold pizza. He reeked. He was disheveled. That’s when I brought him in.”
In the ED, Winthrop was obsessively checking his smartphone every 2 seconds for stats, talking about “bets” and “money riding on this,” and screaming at ED staff to get the latest scores. The patient was involuntary committed. Psychiatry was called. He is calm after receiving an “elephant dose” of Haldol. An Ativan Diffuser is at bedside for good measure.
“It’s that time of year: March,” said ED physician Carrie Anderson, who is pulling for UNC. “It’s no longer flu season, so March Madness is on the differential. His life hangs in the balance.” She added later: “Duke can suck it.”
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM V), March Madness is characterized by an unhealthy obsession of the NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Tournament, whereby the patient watches college games, highlights, and analysis 24/7, with sudden onset of altered mental status in mid-March and spontaneous resolution in early April.
Other behaviors include Tourette’s-like cheering, a fried cheese-based diet, no sun exposure, an unkempt appearance possibly involving body paint, obsession over a “bracket,” and trash talking. In a best-case scenario, a successful tourney can lead to a manic state perceived by others as “f**king obnoxious.” In a worst-case scenario, a loss can lead to a dreaded “sore loser” state.
“He’s in bad shape,” said psychiatrist Evan Reynolds after seeing Winthrop. Reynolds has Kansas winning it all. “When I asked him who the president was, he said Christian Laettner. He couldn’t spell ‘Krzyzewski’ backwards. Bad shape, but he’ll pull through. Especially after group therapy with Dick Vitale.”
In other news, another patient has rolled into the NRG Medical Center ER with choreiform movements. Neurology has been consulted to rule out The Big Dance.