Iowa Man Claims to be Allergic to Black People, Assaults a Black Man

Yup. You read that headline correctly. Captain Smiley up there is being charged with a hate crime because he’s taken it upon himself to punch a black guy simply because believes he is allergic to people of color. The 47-year old Iowa resident donned a surgical mask during the attack, claiming that he “didn’t want to get their germs,” indicating quite strongly that his understanding of race is about as nuanced as his understanding of allergies.

"The red snot means I need more vitamins."

“The red snot means I need more vitamins.”

For the sake of mocking this man more effectively, let’s pretend 2 things are true:
1. Germs cause allergies.
2. People of different races have different germs.

Even with these two rules in play, it doesn’t excuse the attack. I, for example, am allergic to cats. Because of this, I tend to stay away from cats (except when they’re little snuggwy kibbie-poos!) rather than approaching and/or touching them, however violently. Punching a cat would just cause hives on my fist, resulting in itching and discomfort that would outweigh whatever prejudice drove my attack.

Would punch.

Although I would totally punch this adorable little fuckshit.

So yeah, this idiot’s excuse is lame on all fronts, and one hopes that his hate crime charge will be a lesson in the perils of hate as well as the wonders of basic biology. May the education not stop there, however. Let’s let this ridiculousness be a lesson to us all: just because we may look different on the outside does not mean we have different germs on the inside. To believe otherwise is just a shitty excuse to justify your hatred, which is something that typical Iowans do. Stupid fucking Iowans. What a bunch of idiots. They’re all so stupid and I hate them.

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